By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo
Incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer ate a cake in his new van, sources are now confirming.
The van and the cake were transported to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness some time today around noon and the executive was permitted to sit inside his new purchase for nearly an hour.
“We felt it would be alright, that it would be good for his morale,” stated Warden Jenness, who brokered the deal. ”He was not allowed access to the keys but he did repeatedly engage the loud novelty horn and move the seats back and forth.”
Royer began eating the cake around 12:30 LST.
“They had me bring the cake over,” said baker Tony Mirabelli, who operates Mirabelli’s Stiff Pastries in Eastern Lankville. ”This fellow grabbed it and gave me a look like I had stolen it from him. Then, real quick, he kicked me about four times straight in the face. Knocked me clean out.”
Witnesses stated that Royer hoisted the cake over his head and then overturned the box.
“Some portions of the cake made it into his mouth but most of it just separated into individual slices and fell all over the place,” noted Warden Jenness. ”The cake had all these sprinkles on the outer rim too and it just made one hell of a mess. He [Royer] collected all the pieces off the floor, put them in the box and then did the same exact thing. He repeated this about 30 times, meanwhile blowing that loud novelty horn constantly. Finally, he fell asleep.
Mirabelli was later revived and then suddenly died. No charges were filed against Royer.
